Men, Women, Love, Sex Hormones & Relationship Advice

The Most Common Relationship Mistakes - Probably the most common mistake I have seen both men and women make in love and sex relationships is to try to understand the behavior of the opposite sex by imagining what the other must be thinking to make them behave that way. Possibly the second most frequent error is to ask advice about the opposite sex from members of the same sex, since this is just compounding the first problem.

Vive La Difference - In order to understand what's really going on in relationships, a person needs first to recognize the basic differences in the ways men and women think. Some of these difference are due to hormones, some are cultural and some are based on the end results of evolutionary processes. While some might argue for the egalitarian ideal that every human being has both a masculine and feminine side, when push comes to shove, we find ourselves dealing with very real differences.

Hormones and Consciousness - I remember reading a fascinating article in Playboy magazine entitled My Life As A Man. It recounted the story of a woman who had overdosed using a testosterone patch and the changes in consciousness she experienced as a result. She reported how her conscious narrowed in a way similar to tunnel vision as she found whatever she concentrated on to be intensely interesting. She marveled at how well she could concentrate except when she was distracted by her elevated libido, which then became her focus. Her conclusion after the experience was, "How can men accomplish anything with this substance in their bloodstream?" So testosterone provides men with the ability to focus in contrast with the widened awareness of women.

This has wider implications, since more concerns tend to find their way into feminine consciousness. Whereas a man can be relatively content with quite little, women find themselves needing to make numerous small changes to get things just right, hence "the woman's touch." This shows up in relationship as the woman being concerned about "where the relationship is going" while the man thinks "things are just fine."

Gender-Role Assignments - In addition to differences in consciousness as given by hormones, we find ourselves assigned gender roles as a fairly natural result of evolutionary forces. In dangerous times, the loss of men has less impact on the birth rate than does the loss of women. As a consequence, we tend to reward risky behaviors in men as we reward the multitasking of child-rearing related activites in women. In addition, men are generally stronger physically.

His & Her Secret Self-Doubts - A secondary aspect of this is that a woman will look to a man as a provider of safety and security and will have concerns about her ability to attract such a man. At the same time, a man will notice that the guys that get the girls tend to provide the accoutrements of safety and security and will have concerns about their own ability to do so. The end result is that a man's self-doubt is that he might be a loser while a woman's self-doubt she might be unattractive.

The Tragedy Of Falling Short - As a result of the interplay of differences in consciousness and secret self-doubts a tragic scenario unfolds all-too-often. Stated simply, women tend to under-request and men tend to under-deliver. So when a woman says "Honey, could you take care of the dishes?" she probably means "Please do them the way I would do them" which would mean:

• Clear the table

• Scrape the scraps into the garbage

• Put away the leftovers

• Wash the dishes

• Wipe the counters

• Take out the garbage

• Sweep the floor

• Put the dry dishes away

...but that's not what she says, often because she doesn't want to sound like a nag. So given the man's narrow focus, what is likely is that the dishes will get washed and that's about it. If this happens consistently enough, a woman might give up and think, "What's the use? I might as well do it myself." When this happens, the woman feels overburdened and perhaps insufficiently attractive while the man feels useless and like something of a loser.

Reversing The Vicious Cycle - All that would be required for things to work out well would be a little adjustment on the part of both parties. The woman could afford to be quite a bit more specific with her requests and the man could afford to ask for clarification. If both cooperate in this way, a bit of magic enters the picture. When a woman is willing to be specific about what would make her happy, she gains a willing servant, which makes her feel attractive. When the man receives and delivers on the task list he feels useful and like a winner rather than a loser. The secret self-doubts on both sides are put to rest, the woman has what she wants and the man feels like a hero.

This is just one example of how interactions between the sexes can be counter-intuitive. My advice?

Go to men for advice about men and go to women for advice about women. Take what you hear at face value and apply it. Everyone will be better off.